its crazy watching life change before you...as i was driving home tonight...i made a realization...

when i used to need support...i always went straight to my parents...even early on in college years...for example, when i was kind of seeing someone and found out that it wasn't working out...then that same night having someone tell me they liked me....i was so overwhelmed i escaped to California for the weekend...to my parents...

Now, when i need support, my parents aren't my first go to...its my best friends...

its a crazy realization to come to...going so long in life without true friendship and realizing these people are your first go to...the first person you pick up the phone and call...it makes me so grateful...to have found friends who i can truly consider family...

....its been a good day :-)

im really missing some people right now...........

wow its amazing how quickly things have gone by. Its been 6 months since dylan and i started dating. Its amazing how quickly things go by.

The school year is coming to an end and the seniors only have 8 more days of school. its insane.

soon ill be heading back to cali to work for the summer and im really gonna miss everyone. its gonna be a good break from the dept but the people i dont want to leave.

I take it Back
"I'm beginning to block out the bad things people who dont matter say about me or not take it personally."

I do still take it personally. I dont want to and I try not to but I still do.

I'm sick of it. Summer is going to be good for me to just get away from the department. I'm tired of picking up the slack but not being respected or defended when things come up. I know I may sound like a bitch right now but this is a way of me venting. I'm really really really really tired from the whole situation. No matter what I do I don't feel like I'm defended for my decisions or the work I do. Its hard to constantly be battling this, knowing that some people can do nothing and get away with it. I feel Like I'm being a really horrible person but its just needs to come out of my body from my fingers and onto this page. Its getting old...its getting really old. I've been tempted to give up.

 I know I shouldn't take this stuff personally or anything and the only person I need to please is myself but I feel that no matter what decision I make I'm going to disappoint someone whose opinion I greatly respect. I realize that in my life I can't make everyone happy but I just feel that this dilemma I am constantly in, that really shouldn't even be here, is something I couldn't even control from occurring.

Sometimes I think about honestly giving up. Like just letting it all go and just go to class and come home and do homework. But theatre is my life and my passion and I refuse to give that up. I have worked hard to be where I am today and I don't feel like I should constantly have to defend myself for my work and other people's decisions.

..................i dunno...its just.........getting......old

its starting to hit me more often that im going back to cali soon. im really going to miss a lot of people but especially dylan.

Its funny the balloons dylan got me for my birthday are still floating after 2 and a half weeks. They dont look like theyre losing air. It just makes me giggle.

I got to go to sedona today with dylans family and i had a good time. It was nice to get to meet them and just have some fun getting to know them.





Its been a good year. no matter how much crap i went through i've gotten through it and come out stronger. I'm not about to let someone walk all over me.

I'm not the girl who someone feels they can take advantage of.
I'm not the girl who will give up her chances to hand them to someone else.
I work hard and realize that I still don't deserve anything no matter how much of myself i am giving to anything.
If i am given the opportunity, greater for me, but just because i work hard, i dont have to be paid back for that.
I find happiness out of the work i put into things not just being given the opportunity.
I feel that I can be a big help to others in the development of theatre but I realize I can't do everything.
I know I can be kind but still be strong to the point people cannot walk all over me.
 Im tired of people knowing they can walk all over me and get what they want from me.
I am stronger.
But I want to maintain who i am.
Im beginning to learn that not everyone's opinion of me counts.
I'm beginning to block out the bad things people who dont matter say about me or not take it personally.
I understand not everyone will like me.

I understand that no matter how much i try to understand this world, I never will be able to. I understand that I can be okay with every situation no matter how much i dont enjoy it.

tomorrow will be 7 years since my cousin committed suicide. Its been a rough day. I just can still remember that day coming home from school, seeing my mom's car in the driveway, my neighbor asking why my mom is home and me making the excuse she probably wasn't feeling well. I walked into the living room to find my mom sitting on the couch in tears. She said my dad would be home in a few and that we needed to start packing because my cousin was gone. It wasn't until i even got to hawaii that i found out it was suicide. its just hard knowing that my only cousin was gone. all that is left is my grandparents, my family and my uncle.

RIP Jason. You will always be my one and only cousin but the years spent together were priceless. From the time of us playing the game of life on playstation and your character being Fabio to the time my neighbors almost called the cops on you because some shady guy was walking around. From the many christmas days we spent at Nan and Pops taking picture after picture to hanging out in San Fran. I will always miss you and always love you.

Its just been an emotional few days for me. I'm afraid summer is gonna be long and I'm going to miss people so much. I don't know what else but its just been all making me very emotional. I HATE being emotional too.




So I'm currently waiting to hear if I will get the chance to stage manage next year. I'm hoping I will get the opportunity because stage managing was my first passion in the theatre and its definitely something i want to pursue. I mean don't get me wrong, lighting is also a passion but stage managing will always make me happy.

Its funny I talked to Janice Gary today and she is continuing to promote me to people. I guess she has been talking to the lighting professor at SDSU and he is extremely interested in meeting with me and talking about me attending grad school there. Its just nice to know that multiple professors/staff have been talking me up to different grad schools across the US including SDSU and Carnegie Mellon. Its just a good feeling to know the work I have done has impressed quite a few people.

so uh things have been going alright.

Im bored out of my mind not having a show to work on. I've been so bored that I completed my online course for the rest of the semester. I guess just one more thing that is out of the way for me.

I'm waiting, like everyone else, to hear about scholarships for next year. It sucks, because im not an incoming freshman I cant get an out of state waiver from the dept. PLUS, California just became a WUE state but because it wasn't recognized as a WUE state when I came into NAU, I cant qualify. THis means I'm paying a shit ton of more money than someone who came from CA a year later. Its just kinda lame how these things fall into place.

I had to turn down an internship offer because I need to make money for next semester. It just sucks having to turn down that amazing experience.

Other than that I dont know what to say except IM LOSING MY MIND FROM BOREDOM!!!!!

So things have been going really well for me lately. I'm busy Asst Lighting Designing for Still Life with Iris which has been an amazing experience. I'm really excited to see the final product.

I'm currently working on my creative application for APO. its due by friday and im hoping ill be able to get it done because I do have to have my still life cue orchestration done by thursday.

Then in the beginning of March is USITT Conference down in Phoenix. Its gonna be good.


Its just been a busy semester and there really isn't a break for me until Spring Break but i'm ready to do it all.

Only crappy thing is I've been fighting a sore throat and cough on and off every other day for over 3 weeks now. Im thinking about going to get is checked out just to make sure its not tonsilitis which i had only 2 months ago.

Other than that everything else in my life is amazing and I'm happy.

another weird day today.

ended up going to the gym to watch a basketball game for a close family friend. Didn't know until we were almost there that it was the gym where I blew out my knee. I hadn't really been there since it happened and it was a little weird being back there. I felt like I should be on the court playing and then I saw the place where I had gone down. Its actually kinda funny though cause I dont remember a lot about that day. I had multiple moments of blackouts. All I remember, and very vaguely was being carried off the court by Woody Macias and my dad. They got me to my moms car and thats all I really remember.

Sometimes I wish that day hadn't happen with all the knee problems i've had but then i remind myself its why i got as involved with theatre as i have. and has put me in a place where i belong right now, with my friends at NAU. Its tough when I have a constant reminder of that injury whenever I'm walking up stairs or lifting anything but I'm happy so I can push all that pain to the back of my mind because I'm doing what I love with the people I love. They are truly like family to me. I've grown up with a tiny family and have 3 people in my extended family so my friends fill in the gaps. I'm so appreciative to all my friends for being what they have been for me, a great support and wonderful Flagstaff family.

Its overall been a good year, I've definitely had hardships but I always seem to make it thru with my wonderful support and love from my friends and family. SO any of you reading this...Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

overall its been a very Merry Christmas.

it was hard though for me to keep it together today. For some reason I was really missing my cousin and grandfathers. Ya they've been gone for a few years now but for some reason I felt their presence missing for the first time.

Then when I'm feeling this absence already, my Nana out of the blue brought me the plate my cousin used as a baby. It was hard for me to accept that. For some reason she felt the urge to give it to me. I'm very grateful but it was a hard day.





Someone very near and dear to my heart helped my realize something today. I realized that I need to learn that I'm not always a nuisance to people. I feel like I'm constantly bugging people or annoying them. I don't know if its the whole learning that I am finally part of a group and I'm no longer the person on the outside or what. I know I need to learn that the possibility exists that I'm not annoying to people and they might just actually enjoy spending time or hearing from me. Its a difficult step for me to take and I know I need to begin to learn. Yes, it was something very hard to hear but I think it might have been the best present I got this Christmas.